Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
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The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
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And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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