Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Randomize
