We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
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Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
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I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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