The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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