I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
