The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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