Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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