I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize