She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
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