Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
