Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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