I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
