Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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