If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
