Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
