I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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