thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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