i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
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