If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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