I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
