she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
