I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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