I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
i need some magic done to my vagina
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
