Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
