I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
