we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
