I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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