I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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