Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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