I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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