So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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