I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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