I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Randomize
