i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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