im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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