when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
