You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
