i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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