I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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