Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
