i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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