wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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