did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
