Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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