I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
nutella sex= disaster
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
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This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
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I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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