There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
