Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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