I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
