Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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