Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
