I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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