I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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