I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
