I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
