i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
