I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
