Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
