Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
