Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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