If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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