Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
